Last night I had a dream featuring randy dwarfs and dozens of dancing elephants. Understandably I am rather traumatised by the whole experience and am left feeling a little dirty, used, and mentally violated (Oh, I do like my pop psychological terms which I imbibe from daytime chatshows.)

So today I have been trying to make sense of it all. Of course, being a little on the neurotic side I took this as a sure fire prophesy that I was about to fail finals. It all seemed so biblical. Just like that popular Andrew Lloyd Webber musical Joseph and his Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat where Joseph predicted that he was going to be head honcho through dreaming about sheaves of corn.

I consulted a dream dictionary in the local bookshop. Alas, my dream was nowhere to be found in this tome, which was peppered with only the common “running through the streets naked” and “feeling as though you are falling” dreams. Yawn. I decided to phone Shamina—an investment banker and a part time witch. She tutted frequently as I gave a graphic account of my dream, embellishing as required. She paused for a few minutes to consider what I had told her. She cleared her throat noisily and said, “Well, it is obvious to me that you are predicting your own imminent death,” in a tone laden with gravity and empathy. She continued, “This may seem a little premature, but can I have your stereo and CD collection?” I told her I'd think about it and I had to go because Buffy (the Vampire Slayer) had started.

So what does this dream mean and what is the purpose of dreaming? Why is it we only dream during rapid eye movement sleep and not in deep sleep? In many ancient cultures, such as the American Indians and the Aborigines, dreams have supernatural connotations used as a gateway to the spirit world and entered in order to heal and predict the future. So taking this on board, I think I'll just chalk my dream down to the spirit world having a laugh rather than the product of an overactive and warped mind. God forbid.