Newly qualified doctor Phil Brooks wonders what sort of doctor he will be

I hate doctors. No, really I do. I had a heart murmur as a child and had to attend the cardiology department of the local children's hospital on a regular basis. I am now (thankfully) free of this obligation as I found the whole process exceptionally distressing. The horrid hospital smell, the eerily long corridors, and the freakish clowns in lurid colours on the walls all terrified me. Then there were the suction cup electrocardiogram electrodes that gave you pectoral love bites and the echocardiogram with the fishy jelly. It was all just too much, I tell you. I remember my consultant being rather severe, painfully denting my puny pericardium with his stethoscope. The only positive memory I have is the huge bag of pick-n-mix sweets that I would be given as reward. My final recollection is that of my two faced contradiction (and I quote directly from my university application form here) when I waffled on about, "my childhood cardiac ailment encouraging my interest in medicine from an early age."

I had to see my GP
Recently, despite my hang ups, a painful dose of tonsillitis made me cave in and ring my GP. I had no idea how difficult it would be to get a foot in the consulting room. I was told that under no circumstances (exsanguination and cardiac arrest included) could I see a doctor the same day. I was sure I could hear the receptionist laughing. I settled for the next available appointment with any of the doctors. To be fair, I would have settled for a consultation with the surgery's cleaner my throat was so sore. I turned up on time and was faced with an hour long wait. I have (many a time) been on the other side of the professional line where outpatient clinics have over-run by hours, I now appreciate how frustrating this is for patients. Did they not realise that I had "Big Brother" to get back for? Evidently not.

Once in the doctor's room, however, it was a whole different ball game. I thought at one stage that I was going to be chauffeured to the private hospital for my full body magnetic resonance imaging. I emerged from the consulting room with a smug smile on my face and after a swift trip to the chemist I was £6 poorer, but 28 penicillin tablets richer. I was thoroughly satisfied. Paediatric cardiology was a distant memory as my complaint had been heard, my needs had been sensitively assessed, my expectations had been met, and there I was with my little bottle of pills. Poetry in motion. The phone rang and momentarily popped my bubble. It was my friend Jenny in floods of tears. I put the kettle on and put my sofa on full standby.

Insensitive treatment
She had been to the same surgery for a diabetes check up. Apparently, our mutual GP had lectured and patronised her for 20 minutes and treated her as if she was a silly schoolgirl. She felt as if her concerns had been overlooked and she said that she had been made to feel victimised and foolish. Jenny is a nurse and has a real grasp on her diabetes. It is well controlled, she is sensible and eats well, regularly checks her blood sugars, and never misses an injection. So why was she reduced to tears? She was not so much upset as angry at being treated so insensitively. "Make sure you're one of the nice ones, Phil," she said.

I can only do my best
This got me thinking (something I have not done since passing finals) about how I was going to practise medicine. In a few weeks I was going to be released on to the wards and the enormous responsibility of it all suddenly hit me. I am terrified at the prospect of having the capability to upset and hurt people and I am worried about not being one of the nice ones. I have never felt so totally unprepared and yet so desperate to start something before in my whole life. Would I become a heavy handed paediatric cardiologist or a patronising GP? Will I face a General Medical Council inquiry and become another "Doctor in the dock" or become another Raj Persaud and present morning TV in an expensive suit? Will I make medical students cry or compassionately teach them neurology examination skills in my lunch break? Only time will tell, I can (along with the other August rookies) only promise do my best.

I never bothered with the penicillin ... It was probably only a viral infection anyway.