In the bad old days, doctors used obscure medical ter-minology from Latin and Greek to patronise patients and confuse the public. Thankfully, such condescension is a thing of the past. Instead, the modern doctor asserts his supremacy using the TLA (three letter abbreviation).

As a form, the TLA has much to offer the medical student. Use it correctly and you will appear to be intelligent, efficient, and dynamic--the kind of student who has not the time to say "lasgow," "oma," or "cale." Speaking in TLAs requires some finesse, however, and the pitfalls of misuse are many and serious. With this in mind, I have produced an indispensable guide.

1. Never use the TLA with any consultant who wears a bow tie. Such creatures are patient and methodical and do not hold with all this rushing around. Go against this advice, and you may find yourself being told to name every branch of the vagus nerve.
2. Restrict yourself to less than four TLAs per sentence; any more and you will sound as if you are reciting the alphabet and getting it wrong.
3. Be careful of encroachment into your everyday life. Say, "May I have a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich please," and never go to BBQs.
4. Beware the distraction of the naturally occuring TLA on vehicle registration plates. Amusement at a long distance lorry drivers PID 154X is somewhat diminished by a head on collision.
5. Get it right. If you ask for an MSU when you mean an MRI you will look very foolish indeed and may even get sued. At the very least you will get funny looks and no longer receive invitations to parties.
6. Practise explaining your TLA matter of factly. Your superior intellect is implicit and need not be formalised by saying "don't you even know that."
7. If humiliated by our own ignorance of a TLA undermine it thus "That's obscure, whoever heard of C... P... R..., you know you should only use accepted abbreviations."
8. Do not use TLAs with patients. They would think you are being secretive and smug. And they would be correct in this assumption.
9. Never write comedy TLAs in patients' notes. Coroners do no find these funny.

With these rules as your mantra I predict every success at the bedside inquisition.