Gonads!

Ah, here it comes. Always an interesting one, the “past medical history.” I brace myself for the inevitable nonsense and switch on my best “I know exactly what you're talking about” face. Blood pressure? Yes, he had some blood pressure four years ago. A prostate too. And last year, he had a CIA. Wait, there's one more . . . Difersic . . . Diverting . . . Divisiculit . . . I nod, cutting him off mid?stammer, and smile as I think “dysphasia.” My pen swaggers across the page.

All around the building, patients are struggling, medics nodding, and pens swaggering. But do we correct them so that they are not left in ignorance of the very name of their disease? Often, no. Our explanations are often dumbed down so much that they're actually wrong. But worst of all, we do not try to bridge the gap between medic and lay person because we love that gap. Many medics thrive on the gap. We maintain it, jump up and down on the edge to make it wider, and then stand nonchalantly on our side whistling as if butter wouldn't melt.

The essence of this gap, the very non?stick edges of the gap, is medic-speak. But importantly—we don't let on to the patients. We do not even openly admit to having our own language. The patients suspect we have some words of our own but we say them so quickly that the patient doesn't quite catch what was said. Any reasonable person would think that we would be satisfied with this, but no. There are the hardliners among us. You see, there are some words that are used by both medics and lay people. This, they clearly find unacceptable. I have heard “Ab-DOUGH-man” and “ca-VERN-ous” from an anatomist, “garrs” (gas) from a pathologist and countless others. But the person who has upset me the most is an endocrinologist who says “Gonn-ads.” Gonn-ads? It's just wrong. It's absurd. It's a blatant attempt at exclusion. I say enough is enough. We have a chance to stop the rot. We should vow to speak as we are spoken to. I say “Gonn-ads” to anyone who tries to maintain this situation. (That's pronounced “nadgers.”)