Back to reality
Exams fast approaching, so spend the morning reading the newspaper supplement, including all the free prize draw cards that drop out. Fascinating. Jeremy Paxman's voice now has an incredible allure and politics seems altogether interesting.
Thankfully, my delusions about Paxman last about two minutes. Start to feel clucky later, during my neonatal examination competence test. That is until the infant decides to show me what meconium looks like on a white shirt. I inform my examiner that "I think the anus is patent." He disagrees however and insists I "clean him up" to make sure.
Resuscitation practice is more fun, as I have long since perfected the role of the "unconscious patient." Clare comes in to inform us that a man has been found dead in Mr Blair's pool. We later discover that she actually meant Mr Barrymore. Presumably, Mr Blair's pool remains dead body free.
Family planning. Volunteer to role play a 16 year old pregnant girl. Slip into the role all too easily. Slip into paranoia too when congratulated for the third time on how convincing I was by the staff. Fire alarm snaps me out of it. Move to the breast clinic where the registrar says he is too tired to teach and can we go with the SHO. He says the same.
Find myself trying to demonstrate an orthopaedic examination. Know things are going badly when the registrar says, "What does that do?" My explanation doesn't seem to clarify things either. The phrase, "I don't mean to alarm you, but how long to go until your exams?" is equally disturbing.
Consultant meets us for our final morning round. He is intent on discovering what we would do if we won a million pounds. Contemplate saying that not having to get up at 5.30am to answer that question would be first on my list of priorities. He seems to be taking notes so I reconsider. Fire alarm goes off, for the second time this week. I'm quite literally saved by the bell.
Jason O'Neale Roach, fourth year medical student, Guy's, King's, and St Thomas's Medical School and former editor, studentBMJ
Email: jasononeale@yahoo.com
studentBMJ 2001;09:305-356 September ISSN 0966-6494
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