The consultant jungle

Ian Bickle gives a guide to this strange species

Dr Old School
Approaching retirement--thank God! Remembers when the ward sister was in cotton nappies and tuberculosis hospitals were commonplace. Must be addressed as "Sir" and calls medical students by their surname. Friends call him "a good old bean, really."

Dr Nookie
As a medical student he was always on the razzle. A real ladies man and was worse when he was younger. Insists on calling all women who haven't retired "girls." Sports an all year round Benidorm tan and drives a soft top sports car.

Prof Over The Top
Always wears absurd bow ties. Has an oil painting of himself reclining in an easy chair and believes he is a very important man indeed. Looks down his half moon spectacles at you as a sign of recognition.

Mr Bastard
Universally disliked publicly by everyone except his consultant colleagues, who think so too but dare not say it. Thinks he's "IT" as he is editor of a specialist journal (circulation 157) and sits on a royal college subcommittee. Would not be seen dead with medical students.

Dr Andrex
Soft and gentle. Pleasant to everyone. Much loved by patients and staff alike. All the elderly women patients refer to him as, "that nice man in the blue tie." In touch with the real world.

Dr Dragon
She was the only woman consultant for 50 miles when she was appointed. Workaholic careerist who just does not understand that there is a life outside medicine. Refers to her fellow sex as "baby machines." Was one of only five women at her medical school.

Dr Achiever
Consultant at 32 years of age. Written more papers than Rupert Murdoch owns. Intelligence seeping from the ears, but struggles to make the tea. Young enough to be your brother.