The medical student swamp

Medical students come in different shapes and sizes. Leyla Sanai helps you through the crowd

Tina Trendy

Tina loves it when hip new friends widen their eyes and gawp on hearing that she's a medical student. Her aim is to look like Tracy Emin's younger sister. Tina's hair is disarrayed in a careful, studied way--she takes an hour messing each strand methodically each morning, to make it look as if she just leapt out of bed at the last minute. However, leaping out of bed at the last minute is one thing Tina never does, as she needs to pore over her wardrobe, which consists largely of street-cred designer items that she's picked up in Portobello Road market or Camden Lock. And, of course, everything is slung on with contrived nonchalance.

Larry Lad

Larry is a good laugh. He spends all his time playing or watching footie, drinking pints, or sixtiming his various girlfriends. He skives off all the lectures, nursing hangovers at home while watching daytime telly, but always manages to scrape through. He's funny, entertaining, and loved by all the boys and any girls who have been wise enough not to date him.

Debbie Debutante

Debbie has a loud, resonating voice which is often heard miles away, shrieking "dahhhling!" at vague acquaintances. She's confident to a degree that seems inversely proportional to her abilities, having attended exclusive schools with four holidays abroad each year. Mumsie and Daddikins have bought her a swanky flat, so she doesn't have to live in horrid student digs, and her allowance is more generous than most consultants' salaries. Her biggest decisions involve what to wear. Will it be her Stella McCartney slip dress or her Viv Westwood mini tutu?

Sigmund Swot

No one in the year has ever spoken to Sigmund. He glides from library to front row in lecture halls in seamless, silent movements. He spends every night furtively reading enormous postgraduate tomes and makes all his colleagues feel guilty. Sigmund is the annoying one who always asks questions at the end of every lecture, so that you're late out and miss all the decent grub. Sigmund has carried a black leather briefcase from his first day at medical school, and has his BSc and research project all mapped out. Poor Sigmund often gets a shock when he becomes a junior house officer as his academic knowledge far outstrips his common sense.

Steven Stillwaters

Steven is the quiet one whom all the girls fancy, although he has no idea of this. He is silent and mysterious to the point where his gaggle of female admirers conjure up imagined personalities for him, believing him to be a secretive arty type, talented writer, gifted musician, tragic hero, or secretive sex god. Occasionally, Steven will terminate a two hour silence with a staggeringly inane remark, like, "I had a beef pasty for my dinner." However, since it's Steven saying it, the girlies swoon and twitter among themselves about how profound his comment is.

Paula Political

Paula thinks that she's the only person in the year who reads the papers. She believes that unless you mouth off about current affairs, and march up and down the main street waving placards and banners, you're unaware of what's going on in the world. Her heart is in the right place but she wears it ostentatiously on her sleeve, and rams her opinions down everyone's throats. She comes out with profound slogans like "Rights for the unemployed" and "Freedom of speech is good." You wish she had a volume dial or, better still, an on/off switch.

Normal Norman

Norman (or Norma) is the boy/girl you didn't speak to for months, but when you finally did, you discovered they were great. Well balanced, kind, attractive without stuffing their looks down your gob, hilarious, supportive, and sweet. You're secretly glad Norman/Norma is so normal, because that means it's more likely (s)he'll be left free for you to nab.

Leyla Sanai, consultant anaesthetist, Western Infirmary, Glasgow
Email: leyla.sanai@virgin.net


studentBMJ 2001;09:399-442 November ISSN 0966-6494