How to be a really good bully

Anita Houghton gives some tongue in cheek tips on how to be an effective bully and get away with it

I've heard many stories of bullying from the lips of able and sometimes senior men and women within the medical profession, who, by the time they see me, have usually been reduced to nervous wrecks. So I feel well qualified to guide aspiring bullies to the kinds of skills and behaviours that are required to be effective... and get away with it.

Remember, the aim of the bully is to gain power through fear. As long as you're careful while attaining power, once you have it you can look forward to doing more or less what you like.

Here's how it's done.

Be competent

This is essential. People have low tolerance for incompetent bullies but infinite tolerance for bullies who shift waiting lists, bring in money, and generate heart-wrenching letters of gratitude from patients whose lives they've saved. You can try being a bully while being lousy at your job, but consider, do you really want to draw attention to yourself? If you do, it is only a matter of time before somebody decides that your appalling behaviour is just the excuse they were looking for to get rid of you.

Be charming

This is another important piece of your armament. Part of surviving as a bully is having a large number of people in senior positions who think you are a thoroughly engaging sort of chap or chapess. Not only will these people greet any reports of your exploits with snorts of disbelief, but they will be indispensable if anyone is foolish enough to make a formal complaint.

Feel inadequate

Feelings of inadequacy are the foundation of the bully, and if you're really serious about becoming one you must get some. Because if you feel inadequate, your most terrible fear is that one day somebody will find out, and it is the drive for power in order to avoid humiliation that separates the professionals from the amateurs. If you are seriously thinking about becoming a bully, or already are one but want to hone your skills, you probably have some well developed feelings of inadequacy. However, if you think you need to polish up these feelings try casting your mind back to humiliating childhood experiences. Perhaps you were the youngest of a large family and your elder siblings used to make you eat your meals out of the dog bowl? Maybe a girl or boy took one look at you and exclaimed they'd prefer to kiss Godzilla? Perhaps a teacher discovered that at 15 you still took an old rag called "Tiggy" to bed with you, and told the whole class? Once you have a few soul destroying memories, remind yourself of them at regular intervals, especially when you are just about to drop off to sleep.

Target! Target! Target!

Some people use the scatter gun approach to bullying with a modicum of success, but the truly artistic bully picks on a series of individuals. Why?

Firstly, it achieves the most devastating effect on the target. If there are lots of targets, they can always let off steam by slagging you off over a few beers in the pub, or worse, laugh at you. In short, your efforts are diluted.

Secondly, the scatter gun approach generates lots of witnesses. You can afford to have witnesses when you have an incredibly senior post and have made yourself indispensable to the incumbent government's next election campaign, but otherwise it takes only one jumped up Samaritan to think they should do something about you to set off a very unfortunate series of events that may eventually lead to your dismissal.

Thirdly, if you consider your ultimate aim - that of inspiring fear in order to get power - targeting is much the shortest route. It destroys people's confidence, because if it's only them that is being bullied they think it must be their fault; it terrorises and so controls anyone who does witness it or hear about it, because there's always the chance that they will be next; and, best of all, it gets rid of people you find threatening, as most will ultimately leave - if not to another job, on long term sick leave.

Start criticising

Once you have your target, the best way to start is by criticising their competence, preferably totally unjustly. For occasional entertainment you can try criticising them for something you yourself have done or failed to do. Doing this in public is certainly highly effective as a one-off ploy, supplying both a devastating blow to the target and some not insubstantial feelings of insecurity to the rest, but on the whole do it in private for the reasons given above.

Style of delivery is really a personal thing: shouting and swearing is good, but so is the ever pleasant "I'm concerned about you" approach. Letters documenting their shortcomings add a bit of variety, as do unexpected emails. For maximum impact deliver your criticism sufficiently frequently for it to be perceived as a real risk, but sufficiently irregularly for it always to be an unpleasant surprise. For added effect, be inconsistent. There is nothing more debilitating than being praised for something one day, and then thoroughly chastised for exactly the same thing the next.

Dealing with tears

If somebody is pathetic enough to break down in tears in front of you, say things such as: "If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen," "You have to be seen as robust, you know," or "Don't you think you'd be better off in rehabilitation medicine, or perhaps even general practice?" And don't forget to make veiled threats about their reference.

Confrontations and complaints

If someone has the temerity to confront you about the effect your behaviour is having, however pleasantly, it is essential that you respond by intensifying your efforts - they obviously aren't working. You may like to use a one-off public humiliation, start calling them names such as "little Miss Sensitive" whenever you see them, or tell them that so far you have tried to help them improve their performance but really you are beginning to think that things are too serious for you to be able to deal with them "in-house."

If that doesn't do the trick, and it usually will, you must start to gather together your senior colleagues, tell them of your concerns, and prepare to launch an attack on your target's performance. The main thing you are trying to do now is avoid a formal case being brought against you. That is not to say you can't win, but it's so very unpleasant while it lasts. Your aim is to give your target the perspective that they so clearly lack: that there is a power structure here and they are at the bottom of it. If you detect further resistance to this education, you may have no alternative but to bring disciplinary action against them. If you are forced to go down this route, it's essential that you start before they make a formal complaint.

Your reward

Follow these tips and not only will you eventually be able to do exactly as you wish without fear of recrimination, but you can be assured of an extremely senior position one day and, who knows, maybe even a knighthood.

Anita Houghton, consultant and coach, The working lives partnership (www.workinglives.co.uk
Email: anita@workinglives.co.uk


studentBMJ 2005;13:177-220 May ISSN 0966-6494